he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
