In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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