I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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