I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
