So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.