Small penises have feelings too.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
