does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
