Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
