...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
