The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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