he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
