I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
