I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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