After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
