Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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