It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
