shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
