He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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