tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
