Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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