my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
