When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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