Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
