hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
