i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Who died my cat blue again?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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