News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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