I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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