This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
