and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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