I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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