You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
