I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
