Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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