It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
