it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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