my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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