I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
