I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
