I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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