I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
