doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize