I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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