saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
