Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
