So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Floor bacon is actually really good
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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