Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
