I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
