You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
