i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
