saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
