You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
