YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
