Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
