we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
