Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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