Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
