I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
