I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
