I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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