12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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